Dear [cast-mate],
I wanted to let you know how deeply sorry I am that I [accidentally called you a fairy].
Of course, there is no excuse for my actions, and I acknowledge that I have already apologized to you [twice]. However, because [we haven't known each other very long], I'm compelled to further explain myself. This is not the first time I've acted inappropriately, buoyed on a sense of my own hilarity. Here is a partial list of past infractions.
- In eighth grade, a few friends and I were being driven home together by one friend's mom. We were joking about this friend entering high school and seeing her older brother in the halls. I don't remember what I said that had the car rolling with laughter, but I do remember what made it stop: "Hey, look, someone who's even shorter than you are!" Both the conversation and the station wagon screeched to a halt. From the driver's seat, the barely controlled voice of this friend's mother — herself around five feet tall — asked me to repeat myself. I quietly declined, and the car continued in silence.
- In high school, we were about to watch Thelma and Louise as a counterpoint to our study of Hedda Gabler. I had only seen bits of the movie while flipping channels, so I knew from the Brad Pitt/Geena Davis hotel scene that we were about to get a disclaimer about sexual content. The teacher, one of my favorites, cautioned that the movie depicted an attempted rape. I jumped the gun and crooned, "Yay, rape!" Another student, the only person in the class not too shocked to speak, scolded me, "Rape isn't funny."
- I was sitting in class for my masters program, thrilled about the pitfalls-of-grammar lecture of the day. The instructor told us not to use while unless we literally meant "at the same time as." I was anticipating the admonition that the better word choice of although should not be shortened to though. When the instructor (with whom I had a great rapport and who I might otherwise have asked for a recommendation) said that although — or even though — was preferable, I sputtered, "You shut up about that." In contrast to the frightened looks and murmurs of my classmates, the professor took it in stride, and I was permitted to explain to the class that using though for although is one of my pet peeves, about which I am (apparently) quite passionate.
I hope these anecdotes make it clear that I have a storied history of finding myself quite funny until I go too far and seriously embarrass myself. In the present case, [I was helping a colleague practice her lines, filling in your lines for a scene between the two of you. Your character reaches for a prop, but he's rapidly dying and the prop is behind him, so the physical weakness and the pleading are fodder for parody. I was paraphrasing your part of the dialogue, and thought to make a joke about the character's frailty that you would appreciate — after all, you were sitting next to me at the time, and you've made fun of that line yourself in the past. My brain searched its lexicon and decided the best word to say would be "fairy." (I confess there may have been a subliminal element, as your sexual orientation had only recently been made known to me.) This turned into me half-reciting your line, essentially mocking you, and topping off the entire effect with the sing-song, "I'm a fairy." Only after the word escaped my mouth did I realize how awful it sounded in that context. Incidentally, in its grand tradition of revisionism, my brain has since decided that "weenie" is both a more appropriate and a more fitting word for the occasion.]
My reaction at each such incident is deep shame and the helpless sense that I am a better person than I have just let on. The intention is never to put people down, or speak out of turn, but always that manic grab for a laugh that goes awry. I would say the politically incorrect invective is generally the worst, because it contradicts my actual values. [In the present instance, what I said flies in the face of what I believe to be my extreme open-mindedness, and I worry that Oberlin is going to find out and demand their diploma back. I assure you that under normal circumstances, when I'm in control of myself, I would not use that word to mean other than an actual woodland sprite. Nor would I demean you with that or any other slur to your face or behind your back. It's not that I'm embarrassed at getting caught, but that I said it at all.] Please be assured that although you may one day forget my offense, you have assumed a permanent seat in my hall of excruciating memories.
I wish I could erase what I said. [It crushes me to know that because of my actions, you may have doubted being open about yourself with me or with the cast. I wish that this letter proved that I am the better person I profess myself to be.] Instead, I humbly request your undeserved forgiveness.
With the utmost disgrace, I unfortunately remain,
C
[P.S. I will certainly be adding this story to my letter for future apologies.]